They Is In Love
First published in the Chicago Tribune
February makes me think of two things: Valentine’s Day and chocolate. I’m pretty sure one could make the argument they’re synonyms. This is the season for love expressed via cards and candy, and maybe a dozen roses.
Okay, I lied. It’s also the season for public declarations of devotion. Think Romeo and Juliet, on steroids, and for the masses. Basically, February combines the commercial concept of “The Bachelor” with the retail romance of “Say Yes to the Dress.” But this is the 21 st century, which means the bachelor may be looking for another bachelor, which is fine, and anyone can lay claim to being the bride, which is fine, and it’s nobody’s business whether the person wearing the gown stands up or sits down when using the toilet, which is also fine.
None of that is shocking. What’s shocking is that grammarians are in the news. Well, not just grammarians. Also linguists, lexicographers, and etymologists. And if you think that’s a lead-in to a joke about them all walking into a bar, well, have I got a gender non-binary Valentine for you.
In this era of witnessing the metamorphosis of Bruce to Caitlin, it’s clear that traditional definitions of gender fall short in defining the spectrum of identities. According to Julie Mencher, a psychotherapist who specializes in supporting transgender students, “Many claim that gender doesn’t even exist.”
Ah, but to that sexy group known as grammarians, language as we have known it demands gender. Think about pronouns: he, she, his, hers. Think about honorifics: Mr., Miss, Mrs., Ms. Think about subject/pronoun agreement: everyone (which is singular) must agree with her (also singular, and in this case, traditionally female).
Wake up. No lapsing into a grammar coma. Consider this: Facebook offers 50 different gender identity options. At more and more colleges, students choose which gender pronoun they prefer. He and she are fine, but so are ze, e, ey, hir, xe, xi, and per.
The thrill for me? As reported in The New York Times, “[the] American Dialect Society anointed ‘they,’ the singular, gender-neutral pronoun, the 2015 Word of the Year. As in: ‘They and I went to the store.’”
Don’t you feel your heart flutter as you read that? Finally, it’s acceptable to write: Everyone is thrilled because they know it’s about damn time gender bias in language got fixed.
Yes, it’s still complicated. I’m staring at a list of contemporary gender language, trying to master it yet knowing I’ll fail. Whatever linguists may claim, “gender fluid” will always suggest to me the liquid that ran down my legs that night I drank two giant mojitos and then my sister made me laugh. That can’t be politically correct. It is, alas, true.
Nevertheless, in a nod toward Valentine’s Day and the progress of pronouns, I’ve penned a gender neutral love poem.
The roses are red/ That’s what ze said,
So luscious in bloom,/According to whom?
According to hir,/ Ey’s heartstrings will stir,
Oh Cupid above,/ Look! They is in love!
